BeWiseMonkey.Com

Walking experiance

Decided to take a little walk round my local area this evening, just a walk to get some air and forget about what is happening, i think the thing about being outside is you have to focus on the moment, if your thinking and daydreaming like you do when you are inside then you could get hit by a car or maybe walk in to a situation with people who could jump you. so i enjoy just walking around freely. dont take the mobile dont take any money just have your keys. i may start to take good quality gloves as well, so that when the situation for some climbing or a little gymnastics in a field seem to come up my hands will be protected as well.

i often walk past trees and places that can be shimmied across or explored , but as my hands have mainly been exposed keyboards and cocoa moisturizers , then i think that nature may be a little rough on me.

its back to uni time again, i was a university graduate , i spent 5 years of my life in the university experiance. as i walk around now as i did tonight and see all these fresh new hopefulls i almost feel sad, that for one my experience is over and also that these guys all have the same niaeve look about them that i did. they have yet to be run down by course work. and come to the end of the university experiance with a roll of paper a headfull of ideas and a teacher pointing to the exit . then its over and it is back to square one, the same pool of jobs that everyone else is fighting for, the same competition. the world doesnt owe you a job because you studied. The fun chores and the rota’s for hoovering and washing all seem to be a sick little joke as if it all matterd , when its all played out the university had you on a little string like a puppet for 3 years , theve made there money , given you a little bit of fun and now you have been processed. its over congratulations, here is your prize and now see you later. Dont get me wrong i would do it all again in a second, why not it was a fucking imense experiance . to even try to break down the whole thing would be impossible. the scenarios and random subtle lessons of the whole experiance were so good. i think its really just a shame that i am starting to feel older. although i am not old now that i am in the rat race the days are passing with a simple sameness. a pattern that is so simple that i can play it out over and over before i even stop to look at a calender.

the only thing that seems to break the cycle is the ever aproching christmas and birthdays.

didnt i just give you a gift, wow its that time again only 80 days to go.

As ive dreamt about items and studied the internet for the next thing that i need to fill the gap , what could you possibly give me that i havent already considerd.  Each thing  has its own particular place and has ticked the boxes. Give me a gift of somthing i will hate, just so i can feel somthing other than indifference and the obligation to show a level of gratitude that is to you socially just.

I would pay for bad service just to experiance somthing other than the job process.

I find it hard to concentrate when she is around, it makes the most simple task so difficult. she is the finest distraction, as i try to look forward i cant help me see beyond this beuty that is in the corner of my eye , this sweet and sickly distraction. i try to make excuses and pick fault the reasons why i should not look but, these imperfections as subtle as they are only increase the the texture and depth of the image as i look deeper and deeper and get pulled away from everything else, all colors and energys are drawn towards her. i cannot look , a table and a wall seem so ugly they beg me to look away and her beuty shines from all areas. i am stuck i holding my breath, i am sitting in this feeling. i am touching a little , just enough to see that this is a real situation i find myself in. i look down and her feet and mine are almost touching our body language is saying we feel the same. i try to show her but i know that she will see what ever she wants to, i have taken my fair share of hidden glances in her direction which she will never know about. i have wonderd about her and thought about many conversations and poems to sing to her, but when we meet words are usless i am stuck in the silence of the moment just looking her way.

learning how to touch type this is how its done mate this is how tou houth type this is how tou   mate when i think about how stressed ive been at work allot of it has to do with the girl troubles if i didnt have this problem in my life then every day would be a brease i wouldnt even have anything to think about it would all be pretty simple it would all go pretty simple wouldnt have much to really think about and wouldnt really have to be shocked or hold myself back i could just be how i wanted to be and not need some extra details in my mind that need to be checked or thought about , it would be pretty simple and i think that i would have been able to build allot more charector by now , my touch typing skills are not to bad i think that there is still some details that need to be worked on but all in all most of the letters are down , im not using the officail fingers but thinking about it it is what works best for me. being able to write and touch type is a meditation in its self , so what is the plan

its not how i want it to be here , or perhaps its just because im in the house too much and im cramping jack and kats style . mate my days are pretty pointless if im just going to struggle at work then come home and fall asleep, this is pretty pointless way of existing if im just working and sleeping and not having the time to fit in anything else. 

step 1 i think is being able to have my energy back
the water challenge hasnt worked as i still feel pretty tired at the end of 8 hours at severn trent
im only there for 8 hours and when you take out the extra one hour that i spend at work then really its only about 7 hours , but as its training its really just sitting around and talking, this is taking allot out of me possibly due to the weight of the things that are on my mind, so carrieng a weight around all day is making me tired.

how can i go to work with this weight and still not get tired, i need to be in more situations where i dont need to think about it, ive got so many mind games running at the moment as well as trying to figure out my own personal life , there really is no stopping this whole thing. work is facing people, facing people is having a mixture of being honest and false and having to act accordingly to comply with the rules of work.

the piss take is this whole situation has been going on for years , i have written the same sentences over and over for so long i know this story so well, i think as its a new social situation and a new job , im just seeing how the same old news is appering in new places , who are the same charectors in this new situation. And once again how can i cope and learn to adapt to this new situation.

As i live well within my means , and its a level which i can easily afford , im still on borrowed time, maybe i should do as my father did and just leave the country and get out of this life , just save up my money and go away.

The student loan are they coming after me if i leave the country.

should i just say fuck it to all this work malarkey, im having trouble leaving my house in the uk and seeing my local area , can i just leave the country and go walkabout , will i get what ive wanted by doing that or does staying here and working with the tools that ive gained so far, fake it to make it as they say. dont know. not sure and still cant figure it out.

All i know is if the current level of experiance goes on for too much longer somthing will crack . im bored lonley i got no love no sex and no one to communicate with that challenges me with out games and bullshit. i got no time and energy for the role that im currently playing the longer im carring on like the sicker i am feeling. like a pressure and a internal strain that cannot be eased in this set of situations , the only release is this pad and the meditation of typing with out looking at the keyboard.